


Supper Smash Broth

by PeanuutFlower



Series: SSB Crack [2]
Category: Super Smash Brothers
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Crack, Crack Relationships, Crack Treated Seriously, F/F, F/M, Hijinks & Shenanigans, I'm Taking Canon And Star KO'ing It, Jealousy, M/M, May contain spoilers for various games, Multi, Mystery, Not Beta Read, Other, Out of Character, Rating May Change, Romance, Slice of Life, Smash Mansion, Smashville, Swearing, Tags May Change, Yeah There's An Actual Plot If You Squint
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-15
Updated: 2020-10-17
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:41:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,880
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27015199
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PeanuutFlower/pseuds/PeanuutFlower
Summary: The residents of the Smash Universe are living their lives, but in the shadows, an unknown enemy brews their evil scheme.
Relationships: Chrom/My Unit | Reflet | Robin/My Unit | Reflet | Robin, Dark Pit (Kid Icarus)/Red (Pokemon), Gaogaen | Incineroar/Gekkouga | Greninja, King Dedede/Meta Knight, Otacon/Solid Snake, Other Relationship Tags to Be Added, Pac-Man/Ms. Pac-Man, Pit (Kid Icarus)/Rockman | Mega Man, Princess Daisy/Luigi, Unrequited Ness (Mother 2)/Rockman | Mega Man, Unrequited Ness (Mother 2)/Too many peeps to name, Unrequited Pit (Kid Icarus)/Zelda (Legend Of Zelda), a lot of em - Relationship
Series: SSB Crack [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1982794
Kudos: 3





	1. A Nessessary Introduction

**Author's Note:**

> _Super Smash Brothers is like a soup. You take things that don't go together, mix them up a bit, and see what happens. Sprinkle in some unneeded drama, angst, love and friendship to spice up the dish, and go pour it on someone's lap._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _When will my ability to give decent titles to things return from the war?_
> 
> I want to say right off the bat that this is a fic I write to relax, so my brain is often pushed to the side whenever I work on it. As such, you'll understand that consistency and keeping characters from being OOC is not exactly in my priorities.  
> Anyway, if you're still up for it, I'll leave you to your reading! ^^

Ness was living his best life. As a veteran fighter, one of The Twelve, who never had been fired, he was among the most famous of the bunch. Along with the 11 other veterans, he was the one most invited to meetings and conferences and interviews. That led to him getting some serious clout, and with his success, he gained lots of fans.

Some of those admirers were even other fighters: from Melee to Ultimate newcomers, he was treated with the respect he deserved, and even love.

Because, as it was, some people were crushing on him. Ness knew who they were, as they were far from subtle. And he was okay with that. People crushing on him meant they admired and supported him twice as hard as a friend would, and Ness thrived on that kind of attention.

He said hi to Popo when he went to get some morning snacks, and his friend (who was one of the peeps who were crushing on him) blushed like an anime school girl and hid his face in his parka. Nana came around and raised an eyebrow at Ness, who raised a nonexistent one back at her.

He went to the living room to eat his cereals and cookies in front of the TV, trying to keep Kirby at a safe distance by pushing the puffball away from his bowl and plate with his foot.

When he went in, he noticed Villager and Lucas were chilling on one of the couches, but when they spotted him, they sat closer to one another and held each other's hand.

Ness ignored them. The two boys had a crush on him too, and were trying one of those fanfiction prompts in real life, the one when you pretend to be a couple to make your true crush jealous. Except they really sucked at it, but Ness found it so funny to watch he decided not to tell them he knew what they were up to.

And, okay, while Vil was kinda creepy and weird, Lucas was really cute. A bit too depressing at times, but cute.

But not as cute as Ness' crush, the one and only: Mega Man. Because who would want to date boring old humans when you could have a flippin super fighting robot boyfriend? That sounds way cooler.

When he let himself daydream, he could already see the headlines of the press, talking about their romance. Granted, they probably would have to keep their relationship a secret or something, at least at the beginning.

Why would they need to do that? Well, because Master Hand was an old boring no-fun-allowed geezer who, for some reason, didn't like that fighters were dating.

Not all of them, of course. Meta Knight and King Dedede dated, and were open about it (And the press loved it, dang). Luigi and Daisy looked like they could have a thing, it wasn't really clear, but at least it kept the tabloids running. And Snake's husband was one of the few non-fighters allowed to visit the Mansion on an almost daily basis. But they were ' _special cases_ ' because they came from the ' _same universe and timeline_ '.

But like, bug off! What kind of bullcrap was that? That hand invites around a hundred people, sticks 'em up in a mansion together, and expects them to listen to him and not date each other?

They never do, so...

He focused back on his meal, glaring at Kirby, and stopping when he noticed Meta Knight was there too, not wanting to get his ass kicked so early in the morning (he still remembered brawl). Lucas and Vil were now whispering to each other, looking lovingly into the other's eyes.

Ness quickly averted his gaze, and managed to surprisingly eat his meal and watch his cartoon in peace. Now that was a rare occurrence. Usually some kind of thing happened that-

* * *

Ness said goodbye to his mom over the phone, feeling revigorated. He loved calling her, and telling her all about how awesome Smash and his friends were.

Even as they were told to evacuate the mansion for the time being, as someone had flushed explosives down all the toilets, destroying the plumbing, and flooding the place.

The repairs would take all morning. Ness didn't understand why the hands asked Mario and Luigi to do it, instead of just zapping the pipes back into shape, but, as he had said, Master Hand was a douche like that.

But he didn't really care about that, as he had better things to do than stay inside, for once. Red had finally accepted his challenge to a Pokémon Fight, and Ness was ready to make him eat dust with his full team of Legendaries.

He was sure beating the Pokémon Trainer would give him even more rep. After all, all the cool kids liked Pokémon.

He knew that Red liked to stay alone under the shade of trees in the parks around Smashville, training with his Pokémon or just staring off in the distance like a weirdo.

So, Ness went to go look for him. He went in the gardens, where the villagers, Peach, Olimar and Steve were planting watermelons, potatoes and turnips, but didn't spot him. He ran away when Peach was about to ask him to lend them a hand.

He got a bit sidetracked when he went to look around the skating park, as the inklings offered he joined them, and he couldn't find it in himself to resist demonstrating how cool he was.

He visited a bit more parks, until he realized he should probably go look in the Poképark. On the outskirts of it, he looked around.

The picnic area was empty, safe for a couple and their kid or pet. You couldn't exactly tell the difference.

As Ness got closer, he recognized one of these people was Dark Pit. That asshole was smiling for once. Good for him.

And was that Red in a fursuit?

Well, that was far from the weirdest shit Ness had ever witnessed in his life. He shrugged it off, his mind more focused on the epic Pokémon battle he could be having in a few, more than on anything else.

He walked the distance separating him from the trainer, and watched as the couple cooed at their yawning Pichu, completely ignoring him.

“Ahem.” He tried. The two boys looked up from the tiny Pokémon, and offered him deadpans.

Ness brushed them off. “Hey, Red! I came here for the Pokémon battle you promised me.”

Red was about to respond, but his boyfriend beat him to it.

“He can't. We're bringing our daughter to the park today.” Dark Pit said, a defiant hand on his hip.

Ness frowned. “But she's a Pokémon. You're not really her parents.”

That was the wrong thing to say, as the couple looked rightfully offended by his words.

“Don't talk to us or our daughter ever again.” Dark Pit hissed. Red nodded, taking the confused pichu in his paws, as the three of them headed out of the Poképark.

“Welp. There goes my plans.” Ness sighed.

* * *

He went back to the mansion, pouting. He didn't like having things not go his way. Dark Pit was now definitely a bitch in his book. But now he had to find some other way to spend his time, or else he would look like a loser.

Thankfully, since Ness was so popular, it didn't take long for him to find someone else to hang out with. He asked Toon Link (who also obviously had a crush on him) to come play games in one of the lounges that weren't still soggy from water, and the boy accepted on the spot.

“Did you know Red is a furry?” He asked as they played.

“For real? Damn, that's one more to add to the list.” Toon Link laughed, reaching for a chip in the bag of doritos.

Ness ate a chip as well, and imagined it to be bill cipher, because that always made the chip taste better for some reason. Don't judge him. “Yeah, though I guess it's not that surprising.”

“Think Leaf is a furry too?”

“It's likely.”

They continued playing, and Toon started talking again.

“Hey, you've seen Mega Man around today?”

Ness frowned. Toon knew that he had a crush on the robot. So why was he bringing him up like that? “No? Why?”

Toon shrugged. “I asked him if he wanted to join me to go fishing, but he told me he had something else to do. I haven't seen him since. Did he tell you anything?”

“No...” Ness trailed off, staring at his controller. What could Mega Man have been doing, that didn't involve either him or Toon in some way? They were supposed to be a trio, dang it!

“Think we should go look for him?”

Ness was losing anyway, so he said yes. That, and he really wanted to know what his crush was up to.

They first went to look in Mega Man's room, but it was empty. Then to his and Shulk's workshop, but all they found was R.O.B., who started rambling on about his leaking problems.

Once they told the robot to shut up, they were ready to call it quits, too lazy to look for Mega Man outside, and Toon went back to the lounge and the game they had been playing.

But Ness, determined to find out what his future husband was doing without him, tried his luck a second time, and went to go look if Mega Man had gone back to his room.

On the way there, he heard a loud and excited voice from one of the rooms, activating his fight-or-flight response, and found out it was Pit's. Of course.

He peered inside, witnessing a mess of pillows, gaming merchandise and consoles, and saw the angel was talking to Simon. They were playing a game as well, and looked to be waiting on someone. He wondered who could possibly be hanging out with them. They weren't exactly what you'd call the coolest kids on the block.

“Ness?”

Ness turned around, and blushed, realizing Mega Man was really close to him, an eyebrow raised in mild confusion.

“Oh, h-hi, Mega Man, I was just, um-”

“Meg!” Pit interrupted him, making him groan internally. “Come on, sit back down already! I want to beat the boss and go get a snack!”

Mega Man smiled at the angel, and an ugly feeling surged inside Ness' heart. “Coming guys! Sorry it took so long, I met Nana on the way and...”

Ness tuned him out, as the robot passed by him to go into the angel's room, sitting between Pit and Simon, ready to resume playing. The angel gave Mega Man a controller, their hands brushing, and a comment from Pit made the other two laugh.

Ness had had enough. He stomped his foot, and pointed an accusatory finger at Mega Man.

“So this! This is what you had been doing all day?! Hanging out with them?”

Mega Man frowned at him, while Pit and Simon looked confused.

“Yeah? They're my friends too, you know?”

“B-but Simon is a new guy! And Pit-” He looked at the angel, who seemed hurt and confused. They had been the best of friends once, but ever since Smash 4 they had grown apart, and turned into rivals. True, only Ness knew they were rivals, but the fact is that they were. “It doesn't matter! Why didn't you go fishing with Toon?”

“Is that what it's all about? Is he disappointed or something?” Mega Man asked.

“Well, um, not exactly, but-”

“Mega Man has been spending quite a fair amount of time with you two lately.” Simon intervened. “It's only natural he would wish to do something else for a change.”

“I... guess?” He was still being a two-timer, though. Hanging out with Pit of all people. How could he do that to him, his soulmate?

“Look, Ness...” Mega Man sighed, sparing a glance towards Pit. “Let's agree to hang out the whole day tomorrow, okay?”

Ness smiled. Finally, he was getting what he wanted. “Alright, whatever you want, Meggy!”

Mega Man blinked at him, smiling in confusion, and shook his head. “But, in exchange, you'll let me hang out with them,” He waved towards Pit and Simon, smiling at Ness. “the day after. Sound good?”

It didn't exactly sound perfect to Ness, but... “Fine. You have a deal.”

How could he ever say no to such a dazzling smile? And the best part was that it grew after he agreed to it.

It still bothered him to let him hang out with Pit (and Simon) while he wasn't around, but he figured he could let that one slide. Besides, he was pretty sure Pit would end up being busy like always. He was pretty surprised Palutena hadn't found some wild goose chase to send the angel on today.

Maybe he could think of something for her, next time?... Nah, too much thinking work.

Besides, it's not like the angel was that much of a threat. He just tended to take Mega Man's attention for himself. But Ness knew the angel had a type that was the opposite of what the robot was, and he knew for a fact that Pit was simping hard for Zelda. (And, truly, what a sorry sight that was.)

Ness waved them goobye, looked through the trash for some snacks, and joined Toon, and Lucas too, getting his ass kicked at video games until he got bored of it and went back to his room for his beauty sleep. After all, he had a date planned.

 _All in a day's work._ He thought, as he drifted off to sleep, ignoring Wario's farts next door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Wonder what Wario would be like as a roommate..._
> 
> So, this fic is actually nearly a year old, and I decided to post it to AO3 since I surprisingly managed to finish writing some chapters, and didn't feel like letting those words go to waste.  
> I originally wanted to make it a nonsensical crackfic, but it slowly got out of my grasp and became a bit more serious.  
> I hope this will motivate me to pick my chatfic back up, as they're both in the same vein of inspiration.
> 
> For now, I hope you enjoyed reading this first chapter, maybe cracked a smile. If you didn't, well, I guess my sense of humor just isn't there yet.  
> And if you did, well, I'm glad.  
> Either way, thank you for your time! ^^


	2. This (Smash)town Ain't Big Enough For Two Of Us

Villager was minding his business in the kitchen at 3 AM, chasing after cockroaches and stomping them to death like a normal person, when he noticed something odd.

Changes in interior design were something he could pinpoint with more accuracy than your average Knuckle Joe, and there was definitely something there that wasn't there before.

He went to inspect it, and to his surprise, it turned out that one of the walls had been tagged. Only it wasn't one of those obscene doodles, or one of the Inklings or Joker's sad attempts at street art, but a cheesy yet ominous message.

_**Everyone is here. But soon, no one will be. :-)** _

Upon further examination, the ink smelled liked dried blood. Vil was sure of it, as he was familiar with the scent.

He cooked a lot, after all.

Vil stood there in shock, as he read the words once again. He was distressed. Was there really someone out there impersonating him? It was his job to wreak havoc and instill fear in the hearts of those who lived in and around the mansion: that was the premise his entire smash persona had been built upon!

He had to share the news of this discovery with someone.

So he barged into Lucas' room, ignoring his terrified scream, and forcefully dragged him downstairs, to the kitchen.

“What the heck?” Lucas said as he read the message. “And you say it isn't you?”

“No! That's the problem! Someone is hunting on my turf!”

Not only was there an ominous message written in blood on the kitchen walls, but the spectacular bombing of the toilets hadn't been his work either! This week was shaping up to be shitty.

“Sure seems like your handiwork though... you sure you don't sleepwalk?”

Vil felt offended. How could Lucas mistake his natural talent for such shoddy craftmanship? “My handiwork?! Have you seen how some of the letters are smeared? That's the work of an amateur!” He hissed.

“Okay, okay, geez... calm down...” Lucas said, looking around. “You didn't see anyone else with you in the kitchen?”

“No one but the cockroaches. And Jigglypuff.”

“Jigglypuff?”

“They keep showing up in the kitchen at night.” He explained. “We're late-night kitchen buds. Sometimes Meta Knight comes down for a snack.” And thanks to that, the amount of blackmail material he had on that guy was insane.

“Okay, maybe we should ask them, then? Both Jigglypuff and Meta Knight? They're our first lead.” Lucas offered.

Vil wasn't sure Jigglypuff was behind it. They didn't exactly seem to have the intellect required for such a thing, but he had to find the culprit somehow. His pride was at stake.

“Alright, let's do some old-school interrogating!”

They found Jigglypuff chanting ominously and dancing in a circle under the moonlight, surrounded by plates of food, and started to interrogate the Pokémon.

Unfortunately, Lucas forbid Vil from bringing out his trusty axe, putting a dent into his original plans. So he just stood on the side and pouted, while Lucas desperately tried to make sense of whatever Jigglypuff was trying to tell them.

After more than a half-hour of only getting “Jigglys”, “Puff-puffs” and “Jigglypuffs!”, they gave up, and Jigglypuff resumed their strange cult activities.

Next they went to Meta Knight and King Dedede's shared room, knocking on the door. Dedede opened the door, listened to their explanation, and fell asleep in the middle of it. They climbed up his sleeping form to get inside the room, and woke up Meta Knight, who teleported and put his sword against Vil's neck.

Vil was ready to accept his death, but Lucas managed to calm down the blue orb man.

He denied their accusations, arguing he wouldn't have written anything as messy as the inscription they described, and kindly (with his sword) asked them to get out, retrieving his lover and flying him back to the bed, while Vil looked on in awe at how such a small bat guy was able to lift the massive creature that was Dedede, before the door slid shut on the both of them.

Frustrated they hadn't gotten answers yet, the two of them patrolled around the corridors in search of a potential culprit, while trying to avoid running into Master Hand. But the only thing they witnessed was a disturbing display of someone in a Mickey Mouse suit eating strawberry jam on a tortilla while crying on a balcony.

They made sure to leave whoever it was alone, and to not let their presence be known.

On the fourth floor of the mansion, they were about to call it quits, when they heard a bloodcurling scream.

“Ugh...” Lucas winced. “Didn't anyone remind Roy not to take Sonic's chili dogs? His stomach can't handle them.”

Vil frowned. “I don't think that was him.”

A scream rang out again, the residents of the nearby rooms telling whoever it was to shut up, punching the walls.

Vil was sure he recognized the scream, as few people's screams were this iconic. He was, of course, talking about the one and only: Luigi, the underdog, the overshadowed brother. An adventurer and hero even though his deeds were barely recognized by the masses.

But Vil knew better. Sure, Luigi could be a coward, a bit dumb, and really whiny, but he was also extremely wholesome and quirky. And really good at Poker.

Vil aspired to be as beloved by the fans as Luigi was.

Determined, Vil rushed to the source of the screams, and soon found himselfwalking into a barely lit restroom. He heard some whimpering coming from the fourth stall, and knocked on the door.

“Hey, uh, everything alright in there? Did you eat some of Steve's rotten flesh?” He asked. “I know it sounds nice when he offers you some, but next time don't take it. It's not worth it.”

“I'm-a not having-a poopie in there!” Luigi's voice rang through, as Lucas caught up with him.

“Then what are you doing in a toilet in the middle of the night?” He asked.

“I just-a wanted to go-a pee! B-but... but...” Luigi stammered, his breathing ragged.

“Butt?” Vil asked.

“Yes! There's a ghost in-a there! It locked-a me in! And it's-a gonna eat-a my butt!” Luigi whined. “Help-a me out! Please!”

Vil felt himself grow more determined. There was no way he would let some ghost eat one of his idols' ass.

That came out horribly wrong.

Anyway, he took his axe, and aimed at the door, hacking through it. Luigi could have gotten his arm or head cut off, but he had actually been crouching next to the toilet seat like a loser, so he was okay.

Vil kept on hacking the door, reducing it to smithereens, and Lucas looked on in concern as the villager's stare and smile grew more maniacal by the minute.

But being happy while focusing on hard work was a common occurrence for Vil, so he didn't comment on it.

When Vil was done, he happily offered a hand for Luigi to take, helping him out of the stall, feeling elated he had managed to be the hero to one of his heroes.

The man thanked him over and over, still shaking from fear, and soon claimed he had to use another toilet. Vil and Lucas let him go, and assessed their situation.

“You think there really was a ghost in there?” Lucas asked, as they made their way out of the restroom.

“Could be. Wouldn't be the first time I heard about a ghost that haunts the crapper.”

“Why would a ghost live in a toilet stall, though?”

“Lucas!” Vil exclaimed. “Don't kinkshame.”

They walked to one of the leisure spaces on a large balcony, so as not to disturb the other occupants in their sleep. Ridley and Ganondorf were sleeping close-by, and Vil wasn't exactly eager to get mauled.

“I feel like we haven't made any progress so far...” Vil sighed.

“The only thing we know for sure is that we can rule out Luigi, King Dedede, Pit and Dark Pit from that list.” Lucas explained.

Vil raised an eyebrow at that statement, until he remembered the one thing these guys had in common. “Right. Can't read, can't write.”

“Though the angels have been taking lessons with Byleth...” Lucas pondered aloud.

“I don't think they're quite there yet, though.” Vil recalled King Dedede asking Meta Knight to read the menu for him at lunch the day before, while the angels eavesdropped on their conversation, holding their own menus upside-down.

“You're right. Well, that's at least four innocent people that we know of.”

“And I guess the Duck Hunt duo would be out too...” Vil noted.

“Come to think of it,” Lucas added. “What about people who don't have hands?”

“Trust me,” Vil said. “They'd still find a way.”

Since the sun started to rise, they decided to call it a night and went back to their respective rooms.

But this problem would have to be taken care of really soon. Vil could hardly envision letting the spotlight be stolen from him by an anonymous creeper. No, not the ones that had come alongside Steve, but a dirty little mischievous gremlin that wasn't him. His reputation was on the line, and he wasn't about to give up without a fight. Final Destination style.

Oh, and, maybe it would also be good to stop a potential murderer from killing off the entire roster.

Yeah, that too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter done!  
> Yeah, _that_ is the big plot point.


End file.
